This is the soundtrack to my life.

So. You’re probably wondering why I am writing a blog. Or maybe, if you know me really well, you think it’s a classic Rachel thing to do, to want to spill her guts out to everyone who knows her. Or maybe if you know me REALLY REALLY well, then you’re like why the hell would she do that, she has way too much going on that she would want to keep private. Actually, all of those are right. I have no idea why I am writing/blogging, and I am not sharing it yet. I am not ready. I am going to write what I want to, and see how it feels to put it out there, and I will go from there and decide if I want to share it. Sharing feels really good sometimes, but it also feels good to control what you share. However, I really do believe in the power of words, and I have gone through some things that I think deserve to be shared, not just for my sake but for the sake of so many others. As Elie Wiesel said:

We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

So, I have been sitting here basically thinking – I am not a pussy. I have never been a pussy, ever, in any part of my life. I have done some things that are really brave, and that are not silent. And yet I choose to remain silent to the vast majority of the people that I know. Why? Because I am scared? Fuck yeah I am scared. Of course I am scared. Anytime you have been through things that might change what people think about you, there is the opportunity for them to look at you differently. And no matter how much courage, bravery, or balls you have, nobody ever wants to be looked at differently. However, I have stood up to so many people. Why can’t I share with the people that I love the most?

I know that there is never an obligation to share, ever. My life is my life, and especially the more raw and personal it gets, the more important sometimes it is to keep it private. However, the more raw and personal it gets, the more difficult it gets. And sometimes, when things are difficult, it helps to have people know what is going on. In high school, I had no control over who knew what was going on, and that was incredibly hard for me. It was so fucking difficult to not know who knew what, to not know who was looking at me with rose colored glasses. However, I am a very different person now, and now I can make the choice to share, and I am making the choice to share for one reason only – I believe in sharing, and I don’t believe in silence.

I am going into victim’s advocacy, and one of the primary pillars of advocacy is not staying silent. Silence is where any type of perpetrator gathers his or her ammunition from. I personally don’t want to give anyone any ammunition with which they can hurt anyone. Silence also really gives power back to people who had it taken from them. And yano what? Sometimes, when it feels you are fighting battles all alone, the best thing you can do is to give yourself as much power as possible.

So, I am not sure when I will decide I want to publish this. But I know that when I do, I will be ready. Because what is important to me is that I follow my morals and values. And those morals and values have led me to scream my story from some of the highest rooftops, into some of the loudest microphones – so why bow out now?

This is one of my favorite explanations of the importance of not being silent:

TOotles, for now, BetchEZz.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. – The Fray

(it’s a song, and a quote – look it up!)


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